Your costume suggestions, part 3 of a metric buttload

We’re now up to THIRTY-THREE nominations for this year’s exciting Best Sexy [Thing That Is Inherently Not Sexy] Halloween Costume Contest! I will present a few each day, leading up to the BIG ANNOUNCEMENT OF THE WINNER on Halloween Night! Who will join previous winners? You decide!

Sexy Microsoft Clippy

A woman wearing a body-covering paper yellow note, with a rubber paper clip around it, and a message saying "It looks like..." — Suggested by Kate Sackton, David Dudich, and Robyn Stegman

A frequent nominee to this contest, “Clippy” was Microsoft’s early attempt at artificial intelligence. Officially named “Office Assistant,” Clippy was included in Microsoft Office each year from 1997 to 2004. Clippy was a shapeshifting anthropomorphic cartoon paper clip who showed you how to do tasks that you could have easily figured out how to do on your own.

Clippy was officially genderless, but if the term “mansplaining” has been around back in 1997, this would have been the perfect example. He may have been an AI application fifteen years too early, but there’s one thing he never was – SEXY!

Sexy Vintage Airplane

Vintage black-and-white photo: an Asian woman with short shorts, wings on her arms, and a propeller on her head — Suggested by Aimee Shoff

Proving that Inherently Not Sexy Sexy never goes out of style, this undated file photo was supplied by Hint Magazine. I love the vintage sparkle-ness of this one. The propeller on the head was high technology back then, but we see it now more than a year after the last major U.S. airline retired its last propeller-driven plane. Welcome to the Sexy Jet Age!

Sexy Skunk

A woman in a black-and-white dress with fishnets, high boots, and a skunk hat — Suggested by Andy Brown

If only Pepe LePew had known about this costume, maybe he wouldn’t have wasted his life sexually assaulting cats.

Sexy Chucky

A woman in a tight black dress with long socks and a red wig — Suggested by Robyn Stegman

From the classic 1988 horror movie Child’s Play, murderous sentient doll Chucky comes to hunt you down with SEXY!

Sexy Generic Ouija Board

A woman in a long black dress with letters formatted like a ouija board, labeled "play with me" — Suggested by Andy Brown

This non-copyright-infringing costume is officially listed as “Spooky Board.” And in another subtext-becomes-text moment, it even says “play with me.” It’s just a board, but this costume mysteriously becomes S-E-X-Y!

Sexy Loofah

A woman covered neck-to-thigh in a floofy light blue scrubber thing — Suggested by Robyn Stegman

I don’t know what to say about a costume this random and weird. Uh… did you know that the original loofah is a fruit?

Sexy Piñata

A woman with a short dress of multilayered paper strips — Suggested by Anna Kresmer

Gentlemen, be sure to get her affirmative consent before strapping on a blindfold and hitting her with sticks. What kind of candy will you get?

So there you have it – seven more nominees for costumes for a Sexy [Thing That Is Inherently Not Sexy] Halloween!

And a review of the previous eight entries, so you can compare and eventually vote for this year’s winner:
Sexy Dinosaur
Sexy Condom (for dudes)
Sexy Ph.D.
Sexy Mr. Rogers
Sexy College Admissions Bribery Scandal Mom
Sexy Shark (doot doot, doo de doo)
Stupid Sexy Flanders
Sexy Ball Pit (for dudes)

Stay tuned for even more tomorrow!

(Daily disclaimer: My intent is not to shame anyone’s choice of Halloween costumes. Wear whatever you want, and look great doing it. My intent is to shame society for trying to convince us that Sexy Loofah even makes any sense (hint: it doesn’t), and more importantly, for failing to provide any normal, non-sexy airplane costumes for women.)

Jordan Raddick

Science for all