We’re now up to THIRTY-THREE nominations for this year’s exciting Best Sexy [Thing That Is Inherently Not Sexy] Halloween Costume Contest! I will present a few each day, leading up to the BIG ANNOUNCEMENT OF THE WINNER on Halloween Night! Who will join previous winners? You decide!
Sexy Microsoft Clippy
A frequent nominee to this contest, “Clippy” was Microsoft’s early attempt at artificial intelligence. Officially named “Office Assistant,” Clippy was included in Microsoft Office each year from 1997 to 2004. Clippy was a shapeshifting anthropomorphic cartoon paper clip who showed you how to do tasks that you could have easily figured out how to do on your own.
Clippy was officially genderless, but if the term “mansplaining” has been around back in 1997, this would have been the perfect example. He may have been an AI application fifteen years too early, but there’s one thing he never was – SEXY!
Sexy Vintage Airplane
Proving that Inherently Not Sexy Sexy never goes out of style, this undated file photo was supplied by Hint Magazine. I love the vintage sparkle-ness of this one. The propeller on the head was high technology back then, but we see it now more than a year after the last major U.S. airline retired its last propeller-driven plane. Welcome to the Sexy Jet Age!
If only Pepe LePew had known about this costume, maybe he wouldn’t have wasted his life sexually assaulting cats.
From the classic 1988 horror movie Child’s Play, murderous sentient doll Chucky comes to hunt you down with SEXY!
Sexy Generic Ouija Board
This non-copyright-infringing costume is officially listed as “Spooky Board.” And in another subtext-becomes-text moment, it even says “play with me.” It’s just a board, but this costume mysteriously becomes S-E-X-Y!
I don’t know what to say about a costume this random and weird. Uh… did you know that the original loofah is a fruit?
Gentlemen, be sure to get her affirmative consent before strapping on a blindfold and hitting her with sticks. What kind of candy will you get?
So there you have it – seven more nominees for costumes for a Sexy [Thing That Is Inherently Not Sexy] Halloween!
And a review of the previous eight entries, so you can compare and eventually vote for this year’s winner:
Sexy Condom (for dudes)
Sexy Mr. Rogers
Sexy College Admissions Bribery Scandal Mom
Sexy Shark (doot doot, doo de doo)
Stupid Sexy Flanders
Sexy Ball Pit (for dudes)
Stay tuned for even more tomorrow!
(Daily disclaimer: My intent is not to shame anyone’s choice of Halloween costumes. Wear whatever you want, and look great doing it. My intent is to shame society for trying to convince us that Sexy Loofah even makes any sense (hint: it doesn’t), and more importantly, for failing to provide any normal, non-sexy airplane costumes for women.)