Thank you for joining us on this epic journey through the madness of sexy not-sexy Halloween costumes. And now that the big holiday has arrived, it’s time to announce which costume will join previous winners!

I added up your votes from yesterday’s poll. I counted each selected Sexy Checkbox as one vote, and each typed Sexy Free Response winner as three votes.

Because this is the Internet, I am contractually obligated to present this a top five list. So here we go….

5. Sexy Pennywise

Dress up as America’s favorite murdering sewer-dweller, except SEXY! What is particularly weird about this costume is what appears to be a blood stain or scar on the breast.

4. Sexy Deer in the Headilghts

This year’s only costume for couples. Note the placement of the headlights. I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE!

3. Sexy Tariff

This costume helps protect American farmers, but you might have to pay more for it.

2. Sexy Bob Ross

Paint me like one of your French girls happy little trees!

1. Sexy Mr. Rogers

The first costume suggested this year, way back in July – and honestly, one of the favorites all the way through the contest. There were a lot of great suggestions this year, but there’s nothing as Not Inherently Sexy as America’s hero Fred Rogers.

Reminder: take off the sweater when you enter the house, so you can take the trolley to the Land of Make-Believe.

And now the blog returns to its normal Monday-Wednesday-Friday schedule, so stay tuned for another exciting post tomorrow!

Happy Halloween, everyone!

(Daily disclaimer: My intent is not to shame anyone’s choice of Halloween costumes. Wear whatever you want, and look great doing it. My intent is to shame society for trying to convince us that Mr. Rogers is sexy, and more importantly, for failing to provide any normal, non-sexy Mr. Rogers costumes for women.)

Use the form below to vote for this year’s exciting winner!

Part six of our THIRTY-THREE (and that’s now the final count!) nominations for this year’s exciting Best Sexy [Thing That Is Inherently Not Sexy] Halloween Costume Contest! I will present a few each day, leading up to TOMORROW’S VOTE and then the BIG ANNOUNCEMENT OF THE WINNER on Halloween Night! Who will join previous winners? You decide!

Today’s post is the third straight organized into themes. Today’s theme: costumes RIPPED FROM THE HEADLINES™ in a pathetic attempt to stay relevant to make an important statement about today’s society!

Sexy Plant-Based Burger

Continuing the food theme that brought us Sunday’s Popeye’s “Spicy” Chicken Sandwich costume, you can dress as the plant-based burger that has become popular at Burger King and many other places. Perfect for vegans!

Sexy Pennywise

Or dress as the murdering clown from one of this year’s most popular movies, It Chapter Two. Why be a regular clown when you can be a MURDERING clown?

Sexy Republican Elephant

Bringing us full circle to the example I used to introduce this series, except this one is a Sexy Republican Elephant. Salute America’s current party-in-power, or wear it ironically to show your disdain for that party. Regardless, our President might just grab you by the costume!

Sexy Tariff

Speaking of the President, you can also dress up as one of his signature policies that he never seems to get around to implementing.

Sexy Op-Ed

You might have forgotten about this one, referencing the anonymous guest opinion column published in the New York Times from a self-described “part of the resistance inside the Trump administration” (and who totally isn’t Jon Huntsman). Be the lodestar of your Halloween party!

Sexy Fake News

So what if this is exactly the same as the previous costume, except with “FAKE” stamped on it instead of a question mark? It’s a TOTALLY different costume!

Show your disdain for fake news, even if it’s increasingly clear that “fake news” just means “news I don’t like” or “news from a reputable source whose political leanings are different form mine” or “news that reports facts that make me uncomfortable.” But that’s a topic for a different post.

And with that, we have completed our journey through all thirty-three freakin’ nominees for the 2019 Best Sexy [Thing That Is Inherently Not Sexy] Halloween costume contest.

Carefully review the previous nominees, as well as today’s – because tomorrow, it’s time to VOTE ON THE WINNERS!
Sexy Dinosaur
Sexy Condom (for dudes)
Sexy Ph.D.
Sexy Mr. Rogers
Sexy College Admissions Bribery Scandal Mom
Sexy Shark (doot doot, doo de doo)
Stupid Sexy Flanders
Sexy Ball Pit (for dudes)
Sexy Microsoft Clippy
Sexy Vintage Airplane
Sexy Skunk
Sexy Chucky
Sexy Generic Ouija Board
Sexy Loofah
Sexy Piñata
Sexy Taco Sauce
Sexy Popeye’s Spicy Chicken Sandwich
Sexy Tater “Thot”
Sexy One Nightstand
Sexy Deer in the Headlights (for couples)
Sexy “Ghost”
Sexy Starbucks Coffee
Sexy Toy Story Alien
Sexy Buzz Lightyear
Sexy Wrigley’s Doublemint Gum
Sexy Yoshi
Sexy Bob Ross

Be sure to come back for the FINAL VOTE tomorrow!

(Daily disclaimer: My intent is not to shame anyone’s choice of Halloween costumes. Wear whatever you want, and look great doing it. My intent is to shame society for trying to convince us that tariffs are sexy (no matter what President Trump thinks), and more importantly, for failing to provide any normal, non-sexy political protest costumes for women.

Part five of our THIRTY-THREE (so far!) nominations for this year’s exciting Best Sexy [Thing That Is Inherently Not Sexy] Halloween Costume Contest! I will present a few each day, leading up to the BIG ANNOUNCEMENT OF THE WINNER on Halloween Night! Who will join previous winners? You decide!

Today’s post is the first of a few costume posts organized into themes. Today’s theme: costumes to ruin your childhood!

Reprise: Sexy Mr. Rogers

The very first suggestion for this year’s contest, and posted in my first review post – but it fits the theme so well I have to include it here too. HELLO, NEIGHBOR!

Sexy Toy Story Alien

Did you enjoy the classic Disney animated comedy Toy Story? Did this costume just ruin it for you?

WAIT UNTIL YOU SEE THE NEXT ONE……..

Sexy Buzz Lightyear

TO INFINITY AND BEYOND!

Sexy Wrigley’s Doublemint Gum

Chew on this idea for a while for SEXY fresh breath! Or find two party guests wearing this costume, and double your pleasure!

Sexy Yoshi

A distant cousin of last week’s Sexy Dinosaur, but with more licking and riding.

Sexy Bob Ross

Like Mr. Rogers, Bob Ross is a figure who because famous on the Internet for being a warm and decent human being. In an age where so many of our childhood heroes turned out to be complete monsters, the host of the PBS afternoon series The Joy of Painting taught us how to paint, and more importantly, how to believe in our own abilities. Which is what makes SEXY Bob Ross so creepy.

Paint me like one of your French girls happy little trees!

So there you have it – five-and-one more nominees for costumes for a Sexy [Thing That Is Inherently Not Sexy] Halloween!

And a review of the previous fifteen entries, so you can compare and eventually vote for this year’s winner:
Sexy Dinosaur
Sexy Condom (for dudes)
Sexy Ph.D.
Sexy Mr. Rogers
Sexy College Admissions Bribery Scandal Mom
Sexy Shark (doot doot, doo de doo)
Stupid Sexy Flanders
Sexy Ball Pit (for dudes)
Sexy Microsoft Clippy
Sexy Vintage Airplane
Sexy Skunk
Sexy Chucky
Sexy Generic Ouija Board
Sexy Loofah
Sexy Piñata
Sexy Taco Sauce
Sexy Popeye’s Spicy Chicken Sandwich
Sexy Tater “Thot”
Sexy One Nightstand
Sexy Deer in the Headlights (for couples)
Sexy “Ghost”
Sexy Starbucks Coffee

Stay tuned for even more tomorrow!

(Daily disclaimer: My intent is not to shame anyone’s choice of Halloween costumes. Wear whatever you want, and look great doing it. My intent is to shame society for trying to convince us that Bob Ross is sexy (WTF even?), and more importantly, for failing to provide any normal, pop-culture-referencing Bob Ross costumes for women.)

Part four of our THIRTY-THREE (so far!) nominations for this year’s exciting Best Sexy [Thing That Is Inherently Not Sexy] Halloween Costume Contest! I will present a few each day, leading up to the BIG ANNOUNCEMENT OF THE WINNER on Halloween Night! Who will join previous winners? You decide!

Today’s post is the first of a few costume posts organized into themes. Today’s theme: the costumes that make you say “lol #iseewhatyoudidthere”!

“Saucy” Taco Bell Sauce

Free advertising for Taco Bell! The costume comes in several different “flavors,” but verde salsa was the most surprising. Although I seriously considered going with Diablo.

Popeye’s “Spicy” Chicken Sandwich

More free advertising for fast-food chains, but more topical, considering the popularity of Popeye’s spicy chicken sandwich – so popular that it led to actual fistfights. If you’re lucky, maybe people will fight over you?

Caution: spicy chicken can make you thirsty.

Sexy “Tater Thot”

Continuing with the food theme, but this time with the pun meter Up To Eleven.

So here’s what I’ve always wondered. “Thot” Is actually an acronym, for That Ho Over There. So why not save two letters and just call her a ho?

Sexy One Nighstand

It’s a nightstand! But there’s just one! It’s one nightstand! A one nightstand. It’s a ONE NIGHT STAND! lol #iseewhatyoudidthere

Sexy Deer in the Headlights (for couples!)

A joint costume, designed for a heterosexual couple – but of course available to anyone who fits. Note the placement of the headlights.

Sexy “Ghost”

What’s scarier than a ghost? GHOSTING! You know he read your text, so WHY HASN’T HE RESPONDED?

Sexy Starbucks Coffee

Not a direct pun, but a great opportunity for one. At the end of the night, you can write someone’s name on the belt, and then they can complete the pickup. This costume gives new meaning to the question, “for here or to go?”

So there you have it – seven more nominees for costumes for a Sexy [Thing That Is Inherently Not Sexy] Halloween!

And a review of the previous fifteen entries, so you can compare and eventually vote for this year’s winner:
Sexy Dinosaur
Sexy Condom (for dudes)
Sexy Ph.D.
Sexy Mr. Rogers
Sexy College Admissions Bribery Scandal Mom
Sexy Shark (doot doot, doo de doo)
Stupid Sexy Flanders
Sexy Ball Pit (for dudes)
Sexy Microsoft Clippy
Sexy Vintage Airplane
Sexy Skunk
Sexy Chucky
Sexy Generic Ouija Board
Sexy Loofah
Sexy Piñata

Stay tuned for even more tomorrow!

(Daily disclaimer: My intent is not to shame anyone’s choice of Halloween costumes. Wear whatever you want, and look great doing it. My intent is to shame society for trying to convince us that tater tots are sexy (they’re not), and more importantly, for failing to provide any normal, pop-culture-referencing costumes for women.)

We’re now up to THIRTY-THREE nominations for this year’s exciting Best Sexy [Thing That Is Inherently Not Sexy] Halloween Costume Contest! I will present a few each day, leading up to the BIG ANNOUNCEMENT OF THE WINNER on Halloween Night! Who will join previous winners? You decide!

Sexy Microsoft Clippy

A frequent nominee to this contest, “Clippy” was Microsoft’s early attempt at artificial intelligence. Officially named “Office Assistant,” Clippy was included in Microsoft Office each year from 1997 to 2004. Clippy was a shapeshifting anthropomorphic cartoon paper clip who showed you how to do tasks that you could have easily figured out how to do on your own.

Clippy was officially genderless, but if the term “mansplaining” has been around back in 1997, this would have been the perfect example. He may have been an AI application fifteen years too early, but there’s one thing he never was – SEXY!

Sexy Vintage Airplane

Proving that Inherently Not Sexy Sexy never goes out of style, this undated file photo was supplied by Hint Magazine. I love the vintage sparkle-ness of this one. The propeller on the head was high technology back then, but we see it now more than a year after the last major U.S. airline retired its last propeller-driven plane. Welcome to the Sexy Jet Age!

Sexy Skunk

If only Pepe LePew had known about this costume, maybe he wouldn’t have wasted his life sexually assaulting cats.

Sexy Chucky

From the classic 1988 horror movie Child’s Play, murderous sentient doll Chucky comes to hunt you down with SEXY!

Sexy Generic Ouija Board

This non-copyright-infringing costume is officially listed as “Spooky Board.” And in another subtext-becomes-text moment, it even says “play with me.” It’s just a board, but this costume mysteriously becomes S-E-X-Y!

Sexy Loofah

I don’t know what to say about a costume this random and weird. Uh… did you know that the original loofah is a fruit?

Sexy Piñata

Gentlemen, be sure to get her affirmative consent before strapping on a blindfold and hitting her with sticks. What kind of candy will you get?

So there you have it – seven more nominees for costumes for a Sexy [Thing That Is Inherently Not Sexy] Halloween!

And a review of the previous eight entries, so you can compare and eventually vote for this year’s winner:
Sexy Dinosaur
Sexy Condom (for dudes)
Sexy Ph.D.
Sexy Mr. Rogers
Sexy College Admissions Bribery Scandal Mom
Sexy Shark (doot doot, doo de doo)
Stupid Sexy Flanders
Sexy Ball Pit (for dudes)

Stay tuned for even more tomorrow!

(Daily disclaimer: My intent is not to shame anyone’s choice of Halloween costumes. Wear whatever you want, and look great doing it. My intent is to shame society for trying to convince us that Sexy Loofah even makes any sense (hint: it doesn’t), and more importantly, for failing to provide any normal, non-sexy airplane costumes for women.)