Your Sexy Unsexy Halloween Costumes!

After a delay due to Medical Complications (looooong story involving allergic reactions to antibiotics but I’m fine now)… welcome to the final round of the 2022 Best Sexy [Thing That Is Inherently Not Sexy] Halloween Costume Contest™!

In my most recent post, Back Again! Sexy Unsexy Halloween Costumes!, I explained the purpose of the contest and reviewed the winners of the 2015-2019 contests (the 2020 and 2021 contests were cancelled due to the global COVID-19 pandemic).

Today is Halloween, which was supposed to be the day I announced this year’s winners. Instead, we’ll review this year’s nominees – so very many nominees! And we’ll close with a poll to determine the winner, which I will announce later this week – as well as the person who suggested the winning costume, who wins a $10 gift card!

The Nominees

We got a record TWENTY-THREE NOMINEES this year! So many that I can’t include them all without making this post overwhelmingly long and the poll overwhelmingly difficult to score. And so, from the full list of 23 nominees, I designated twelve as finalists for the award – the best of the best, making sure to include at least one entry from each person who sent in a suggestion. First, I’ll link to photos of the Honorable Mention costumes, and then show the 12 finalists. And then we’ll vote!

Honorable Mention

With 23 suggestions, some just couldn’t make the final poll. Here are those great ideas. Click on the name of the costume for a photo.

Sexy 80s Workout Playboy Bunny

Sexy Bug

Sexy Conservative Guy Scared of Cities

Sexy Generic Pennywise for Kids

Sexy Hater DJ

Sexy Lunchables for Kids

Sexy Nun

Sexy Popcorn

Sexy Rubber Chicken for Dudes

Sexy Seahorse

Sexy Soldier

The Finalists

And now the finalists! Presented in alphabetical order, along with the person who suggested the costume, and my commentary on it

Sexy Airpods for Couples

Suggested by Aimee Shoff

Decide which one of you is Left Ear and which is Right Ear, but be prepared to stick it in the wrong hole at least once!

And a surefire way for one of you to get lost!

Sexy Blank Spirit Halloween Costume Meme

Suggested by David Dudich

Definitely the Internet’s favorite costume choice this year – I’m sure you have seen it across your Facebook feed once. And this one is all of them at once: a blank slate for all your sexy costumes.

So meta it’s meta!

Sexy Blockbuster Video Employee

Suggested by Aimee Shoff

Everyone’s favorite costume from Halloween 1992, still inexplicably around for Halloween 2022!

Sexy Boob Ghost

Suggested by David Dudich and Aimee Shoff

Aimee sent this to me by private message so that she wouldn’t get sent to Facebook Jail. At first I wondered why a simple sheet-for-a-ghost Halloween costume would get her suspended.

Then I got it.

Sexy CVS Receipt

Suggested by Aimee Shoff

The taller you are, the more realistic the costume!

Sexy Fart for Kids

Suggested by Aimee Shoff

It’s a kids costume, so it’s not sexy, but it’s certainly WTF.

Sexy Honey Badger

Suggested by Jackie Bowman

Honey Badger don’t care… Honey Badger is SEXY!

Caution: may eat your face

Sexy Jester for Dudes

Suggested by Aimee Shoff

Jesters weren’t historically considered sexy. But when you look like this, you’re sexy. And weird.

Sexy Ketchup

Suggested by Joseph Kennedy

Pour some on thick!

Sexy Mail Carrier

Suggested by Aimee Shoff

Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays this sexy courier from the swift completion of her appointed rounds on Halloween night.

Sexy Tardigrade

Suggested by Elliot Kresmer

Evolutionarily speaking, it pays to pick a winner – and what could be more of a winner than an organism that survives everywhere from the Earth’s core to outer space?

Sexy Velma

Suggested by Aimee Shoff

Since when was Velma the sexy one in the Mystery Machine crew? Since ALWAYS!

So those are the nominees. Who will be the winner? You decide!

Select one of the options below.

Happy Halloween, everyone!

Stay safe, and Stay Sexy!

Back again: Sexy Unsexy Halloween Costumes!

Back from a two-year COVID-19 hiatus, it’s the most famous thing I’ve ever written about: welcome to the long-awaited Best Sexy [Thing That Is Inherently Not Sexy] Halloween Costume Contest™!

What is the Best Sexy [Thing That Is Inherently Not Sexy] Halloween Costume Contest™, you ask? It’s a joyous annual tradition celebrating (?) the weirdness that is Halloween as celebrated on Earth, and especially as celebrated in the United States. Specifically, the weirdness of women’s Halloween costumes.

What is so weird about women’s Halloween Costumes?

Imagine that you are a woman (easy for about 50% of you) and that your favorite animal is a moose (easy for me and maybe you too). You want nothing more than to go out with your friends and celebrate the majestic moose.

Behold, the ONLY women’s moose costume I could find on the Internet.

And there is the problem: for just about any costume idea you can imagine, there are no normal costumes available in women’s sizes for that idea – instead, there are just SEXY costumes. And Sexy Moose is not even in the Top 100 weirdest. (Aside: another weirdness is that this is clearly a women’s costume, but it has antlers, which only male moose have).

In 2015, I decided to take the moose by the antlers and sponsor a contest. It took off from there. Oh boy did it take off. People now send me these costumes twelve months a year. Someone once defined an Internet brand as the thing that, whenever anyone sees it, it makes them think of you. By that definition, my brand is… inappropriately sexy Halloween costumes. Y’all are WEIRD.

A caution before we begin: I don’t want to sound like I’m making fun of any women who wear these costumes. You should wear whatever you want this Halloween, and have fun wearing it. Instead, I want to make fun of a society that thinks so little of women that it offers absolutely no costumes but sexy ones.

The Contest

Bernie Sanders meme: "I am once again asking for you to send me sexy Halloween costumes"

Once again, I invite you to suggest the best, weirdest, most WTF examples of sexy Halloween costumes. In particular, I invite you to suggest costumes that bring sexy to things that are totally, completely, Inherently Not Sexy. (If you send me a costume idea since the last completed contest in 2019, please send it again.) Comment here, or on my social media, or email me at

Coming up here are the winners of the Best Sexy [Thing That Is Inherently Not Sexy] Halloween Costume Contest™ for the years 2015 to 2019. I think you’ll agree that, not only are they all completely batshit, they get more batshit with each year. I can’t wait to see what this year’s suggestions will bring.

The rest of this week, I’ll post the suggestions I receive from you. On Friday, I’ll post a poll asking you to vote for the winning (?) costume. You’ll have the weekend to vote, and the winner will be announced on Halloween itself, next Monday.

A new twist this year: A PRIZE! The person who suggests the winning (?) costume will receive not only Internet fame, but also a $10 gift card.

Good luck and Happy Halloween!

Previous Winners (?)

Presenting the winners from previous years, and the people who suggested them:

2015: Sexy Orca

Suggested by Jeremy Berg

Because nothing says “sexy” like GIANT SWIMMING WHALE OF DEATH!

Black-and-white costume with a tail hanging from the back and a hoodie that looks like a killer whale head
Sexy orca (click for a larger version)

2016: Sexy Scrabble

Suggested by Kelly Simms

When people say “smart is the new sexy,” I don’t think this is what they had in mind. Possible exception if your name is Magdalena Krzyzewski.

A short white dress decorated like a Scrabble board (with colored ties), and thigh fringe with letters
Sexy Scrabble (click for a larger version)

2017: Sexy Green Poo

Suggested by Aimee Shoff

This was a reference to one of cultural items that makes no sense even five years later. For Halloween 2017, Burger King sold a limited-edition “Black Whopper” – just a regular Whopper sandwich served in a black bun. And apparently, it turned your poo green. Who thinks green poo is sexy? Please don’t answer that question.

Green poo-shaped costume from too many Sexy Black Whoppers
Sexy green poo (click for a larger version)

2018: Sexy Art Gallery Urinal

Suggested by Christina Rawls

A reference to a different pop culture icon: the art exhibit Fountain by Marcel Duchamp, a literal urinal that he submitted to an art gallery. With this costume, you can make a subversive statement about the nature of art, while also finding partners who enjoy the same things you do.

A very short dress decorated to look like a urinal - ceci n'est pas une Halloween costume
Sexy art gallery urinal (click for a larger version)

2019: Sexy Mr. Rogers

Suggested by Elliot Kresmer

After two straight years of scatological costume humor, the contest went in a… different… direction. This costume was inspired by the box-office success A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood, starring Tom Hanks the legendary children’s TV host. It includes his iconic red sweater, which you can take off when the trolley takes you to the land of make-believe.

Sexy Mr. Rogers, with black stiletto heels and HAND PUPPETS of King Friday and Daniel the Lion
Sexy Mr. Rogers (click for a larger version)

I’ll feature your costume suggestions the rest of the week, put up a poll on Friday, and announce winners on Monday – as well as who won THE PRIZE!

Happy Halloween, everyone!