Halloween is almost here! It’s the time for trick-or-treating, trying to convince your friends to take your Necco Wafers in exchange for Actual Good Candy, and most importantly, pretending you’re someone you’re not with a COSTUME! Yeah, about that…

I’d like you to join me in a thought experiment. Pretend for a moment that you are a woman (this will be quite easy for about 50% of you). Furthermore, pretend you like elephants – again, likely not a stretch, because elephants are beautiful, intelligent, and loyal creatures. It’s All Hallows’ Eve, and all you want to do is go out with your friends and have a great time pretending to drink beer out of your trunk. That should be straightforward enough, right?

Behold, the ONLY women’s elephant costume I could find on the Internet:

It’s everyone’s favorite time of year: the announcement of the Fifth Annual Best Sexy [Thing That Is Inherently Not Sexy] Halloween Costume Contest!

It’s not just an elephant, it’s a SEXY ELEPHANT! And there’s the trunk of the matter.

Four long years ago, on A Social Network, I started a tradition that has bizarrely turned into a much-loved, much-anticipated annual event. Ladies, gentlemen, and sexy elephants, it’s time once again for the annual

BEST SEXY [THING THAT IS INHERENTLY NOT SEXY] HALLOWEEN COSTUME CONTEST!

Here’s how it works. I ask you, the reader, to nominate women’s Halloween costumes you would describe as “Sexy [blank],” where the thing in the blank cannot remotely be considered sexy. To join in the fun, comment below with a link to a Sexy [Thing That Is Inherently Not Sexy] Halloween costume. Or suggest one on social media, or in person.

As a guideline for what to look for, note that Sexy Elephant is one of the more normal entries from the past few years. They get rapidly weirder, and less Inherently Sexy.

I’ve always felt a bit conflicted about sponsoring this annual contest, because I don’t want to come across a Moral Guardian shaming anyone’s choice of what Halloween costume. Wear whatever the hell you like and have fun.

My purpose is instead to make fun of our society’s obsession that Women Must Look Sexy, even in the face of all logic and good taste.

I’m thrilled to put the contest up on my blog, allowing a larger audience to be exposed to the inappropriate sexy weirdness. So suggest away!

Coming tomorrow: a review of the winning entries from the past four years.

Coming Monday: a review of the suggestions I’ve gotten so far this year

Coming October 31: announcement of this year’s Best Sexy [Thing That Is Inherently Not Sexy] Halloween Costume Contest winner!