Author: Jordan Raddick

Halloween is almost here! It’s the time for trick-or-treating, trying to convince your friends to take your Necco Wafers in exchange for Actual Good Candy, and most importantly, pretending you’re someone you’re not with a COSTUME! Yeah, about that…

I’d like you to join me in a thought experiment. Pretend for a moment that you are a woman (this will be quite easy for about 50% of you). Furthermore, pretend you like elephants – again, likely not a stretch, because elephants are beautiful, intelligent, and loyal creatures. It’s All Hallows’ Eve, and all you want to do is go out with your friends and have a great time pretending to drink beer out of your trunk. That should be straightforward enough, right?

Behold, the ONLY women’s elephant costume I could find on the Internet:

It’s everyone’s favorite time of year: the announcement of the Fifth Annual Best Sexy [Thing That Is Inherently Not Sexy] Halloween Costume Contest!

It’s not just an elephant, it’s a SEXY ELEPHANT! And there’s the trunk of the matter.

Four long years ago, on A Social Network, I started a tradition that has bizarrely turned into a much-loved, much-anticipated annual event. Ladies, gentlemen, and sexy elephants, it’s time once again for the annual

BEST SEXY [THING THAT IS INHERENTLY NOT SEXY] HALLOWEEN COSTUME CONTEST!

Here’s how it works. I ask you, the reader, to nominate women’s Halloween costumes you would describe as “Sexy [blank],” where the thing in the blank cannot remotely be considered sexy. To join in the fun, comment below with a link to a Sexy [Thing That Is Inherently Not Sexy] Halloween costume. Or suggest one on social media, or in person.

As a guideline for what to look for, note that Sexy Elephant is one of the more normal entries from the past few years. They get rapidly weirder, and less Inherently Sexy.

I’ve always felt a bit conflicted about sponsoring this annual contest, because I don’t want to come across a Moral Guardian shaming anyone’s choice of what Halloween costume. Wear whatever the hell you like and have fun.

My purpose is instead to make fun of our society’s obsession that Women Must Look Sexy, even in the face of all logic and good taste.

I’m thrilled to put the contest up on my blog, allowing a larger audience to be exposed to the inappropriate sexy weirdness. So suggest away!

Coming tomorrow: a review of the winning entries from the past four years.

Coming Monday: a review of the suggestions I’ve gotten so far this year

Coming October 31: announcement of this year’s Best Sexy [Thing That Is Inherently Not Sexy] Halloween Costume Contest winner!

Welcome the most terrifying place in the world – at least to a Portuguese sailor in the early 1400s.

They called it Cape Bojador (pronounced BOO-jay-dur), a Portuguese rendering of the local name given it by area residents – which in turn comes from abu khatar, Arabic for “father of danger.”

It doesn’t look so scary or dangerous on the map – just a small bump in the African coast in what is now Western Sahara.

But the Cape’s true danger becomes apparent when you imagine that the year is 1434 and you are sailing a single 30-ton wooden fishing boat – with only one sail and a crew of about 20 – down the African coast. And then you look at this map of global wind patterns, with Cape Bojador marked by the green circle:

The channel between the African coast and the Canary Islands functions as a giant wind tunnel. For your small fishing boat, it would make for a quick trip – but remember, you also have to get back. And for a boat that small with only one sail, there was simply no way to fight against such strong winds to sail back to Portugal. A trip around Cape Bojador was doomed to be a one-way trip.

In the early 1400s, Prince Henry of Portugal was determined to find a way to sail beyond Cape Bojador, to discover and exploit whatever lay beyond. He founded the world’s first naval research school and laboratory at the far southern tip of Portugal, where seafarers looked for a way around.

Their solution was as clever as it was terrifying. They called their strategy volta do mar, meaning “turn of the sea.” Rather than fight the wind to sail up the African coast, captains would order their ships to sail far out into the Atlantic, where they could pick up more favorable winds.

Of course, it’s one thing to have this strategy in theory, quite another to be the one to put it into practice. That dubious honor fell to Gil Eanes (1395-1450s?), who set off from Portugal in the small fishing boat described above. The expedition passed Cape Bojador and traveled as far south as what is now Mauritania, where they picked some roses of a previously-unknown variety as proof they had succeeded in their mission. Then they used the volta do mar to return home.

Within 20 years, the Portuguese regularly traveled as far as modern Ghana, unfortunately bringing slaves back with them to sell all over the world. Within 50 years, Portuguese navigators had rounded the southern tip of Africa; within 120 years, they had reached Japan.

UPDATE: Mayor Killer passed away on May 21, 2020 at the age of 14. His loyal subjects have created a memorial fund with Baltimore Area Rescue & Care Add a comment to say it’s for Killer.

Meet the neighborhood of Hampden in Baltimore, Maryland. Population 15,000. A former community for immigrants working at the nearby sailcloth factories. Today, it is a hip center for urban living that has stayed true to its vibrant working-class roots.

[googlemaps https://www.google.com/maps/embed?pb=!1m18!1m12!1m3!1d12344.43267615915!2d-76.6450282634184!3d39.33113472209553!2m3!1f0!2f0!3f0!3m2!1i1024!2i768!4f13.1!3m3!1m2!1s0x89c804d5f7905ff3%3A0x5cc1e5ec25566796!2sHampden%2C+Baltimore%2C+MD+21211!5e0!3m2!1sen!2sus!4v1555696387294!5m2!1sen!2sus&w=600&h=450]

Now meet “Killer,” the unofficial mayor the neighborhood:

Killer spends nights inside with a specific human, but spends his days wandering the streets, getting food and water from whichever humans set it out, and generally not caring what you think.

I don’t live in Hampden, but I live nearby in the city of Baltimore. I’ve met Killer, and he is every bit as cute as his Instagram account suggests:

https://www.instagram.com/killercatbaltimore

You’ve probably heard the story: it’s Christmas. A young husband and wife are very poor, and very much in love. His dearest treasure is a gold pocket watch his father gave him; hers is her beautiful long hair.

Unknown to him, she sells her hair to a wigmaker to buy a chain to hold his pocket watch. Unknown to her, he sells his watch to buy her a set of jeweled combs for her hair.

When they exchange gifts, they realize how much in love they really are. The power of this story comes from its bittersweet irony, with just a hint of tragedy. Love truly is the greatest gift, but you can’t comb your hair with love, and love can’t tell the time.

The source is “The Gift of the Magi,” one of the most famous short stories in American literature. It was written in 1905 by American author O. Henry (the pen name of William Sydney Porter). Henry wrote hundreds of short stories, but this one was by far his most famous.

My lovely spouse and I just had an experience that reminded us of this classic story, but without the hint of tragedy.

We have recently become fans of the Cartoon Network series We Bare Bears, a slice-of-life sitcom about three brothers who live together, and who happen to be bears. Grizz is a grizzly bear who is well-meaning but a bit dense and self-involved. Pan-pan is a panda who is girl-crazy and addicted to his smartphone (yes, I know pandas aren’t really bears, and I love how that is your first objection to this concept). But the star of the show is Ice Bear. Ice Bear is a martial arts expert who speaks only in short, direct sentences in a low gravelly voice – and consistently speaks of Ice Bear in the third person.

Here are some of his best moments from the show so far:

And so it came to pass that during one of my frequent Nights of Insomnia, I had just finished watching a few episodes, followed by the NBA TV rebroadcast of my hometown Orlando Magic’s exciting 149-113 win over the Atlanta Hawks. I mention that detail to explain what I did next: I logged in to my Amazon.com account to look for a Nikola Vučević jersey. I found only a few, all far above my price range – but made another important discovery.

My lovely spouse and I share an Amazon account. We don’t normally share online accounts, but sharing one with Amazon makes life simpler because we can share the free two-day shipping to our address. And so when I didn’t add the Nikola Vučević jersey to my shopping cart, I discovered something was already in the cart: a beautiful Ice Bear Believes in You T-shirt, size men’s large.

We are fortunately not even close to poor, much less as tragically poor as the young couple depicted in “The Gift of the Magi,” but with her finishing up a career-change master’s degree, we don’t always have immediate funds for purchases, no matter how awesome.

And so I figured she was waiting until her next paycheck to buy the shirt. I also figured she was buying it as a gift for our lovely nephew, a fellow We Bare Bears fan. And so I thought it would be an excellent time for a gift – not only the gift for our nephew but one in a more appropriate size for the spouse herself.

But of course she was not buying it for our nephew. And thus arrived in the mail a few days later:

And so, far from Christmas 1905, I’ll adapt the words of the story’s lyrical closing to celebrate our love:

O all who give and receive gifts, such as they are wisest. Everywhere they are wisest. They are the Ice Bear.

adapted from “The Gift of the Magi” by O. Henry

Click the Play button on the video above to watch this morning’s press conference as it happened. The press conference begins at the 33-minute mark of the YouTube stream.

Note: this isn’t something I’m directly involved in, I just think it’s REALLY REALLY COOL

10:15 AM UPDATE: The Press Conference is now over. Click the link above to watch the archived recording. I’m watching it now and I’ll summarize here.

10:04 AM UPDATE: The livestream is over, and there are so many fascinating results to unpack! Keep watching this space as I add more explanations and further resources to explore.

9:48 AM UPDATE: I’m learning about this at the same time you are. As I learn more, I’ll keep updating this post. This is so exciting!