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Your costume suggestions, part 5: Ruined childhood edition

Part five of our THIRTY-THREE (so far!) nominations for this year’s exciting Best Sexy [Thing That Is Inherently Not Sexy] Halloween Costume Contest! I will present a few each day, leading up to the BIG ANNOUNCEMENT OF THE WINNER on Halloween Night! Who will join previous winners? You decide!

Today’s post is the first of a few costume posts organized into themes. Today’s theme: costumes to ruin your childhood!

Reprise: Sexy Mr. Rogers

Suggested by Elliot Kresmer, Jennifer Atchley Vose, and Christina Rawls

The very first suggestion for this year’s contest, and posted in my first review post – but it fits the theme so well I have to include it here too. HELLO, NEIGHBOR!

Sexy Toy Story Alien

A woman in a tight blue dress with green arm leggings and antennae — Suggested by Andy Brown

Did you enjoy the classic Disney animated comedy Toy Story? Did this costume just ruin it for you?

WAIT UNTIL YOU SEE THE NEXT ONE……..

Sexy Buzz Lightyear

A woman in a white, purple, and green bikini with visor-like sunglasses — Suggested by Jeremy Berg

TO INFINITY AND BEYOND!

Sexy Wrigley’s Doublemint Gum

A woman in a skintight green dress labeled "Wrigley's Doublemint Chewing Gum" — Suggested by Andy Brown

Chew on this idea for a while for SEXY fresh breath! Or find two party guests wearing this costume, and double your pleasure!

Sexy Yoshi

A woman in a green-and-white low cut dress with a dinosaur hat — Suggested by Andy Brown

A distant cousin of last week’s Sexy Dinosaur, but with more licking and riding.

Sexy Bob Ross

A woman with short shorts, a light blue top, and a paint brush and palette, with a squirrel on her shoulder — Suggested by Andy Brown, David Dudich, and Cat Bross

Like Mr. Rogers, Bob Ross is a figure who because famous on the Internet for being a warm and decent human being. In an age where so many of our childhood heroes turned out to be complete monsters, the host of the PBS afternoon series The Joy of Painting taught us how to paint, and more importantly, how to believe in our own abilities. Which is what makes SEXY Bob Ross so creepy.

Paint me like one of your ~~French girls~~ happy little trees!

So there you have it – five-and-one more nominees for costumes for a Sexy [Thing That Is Inherently Not Sexy] Halloween!

And a review of the previous fifteen entries, so you can compare and eventually vote for this year’s winner:
Sexy Dinosaur
Sexy Condom (for dudes)
Sexy Ph.D.
Sexy Mr. Rogers
Sexy College Admissions Bribery Scandal Mom
Sexy Shark (doot doot, doo de doo)
Stupid Sexy Flanders
Sexy Ball Pit (for dudes)
Sexy Microsoft Clippy
Sexy Vintage Airplane
Sexy Skunk
Sexy Chucky
Sexy Generic Ouija Board
Sexy Loofah
Sexy PiÃ±ata
Sexy Taco Sauce
Sexy Popeye’s Spicy Chicken Sandwich
Sexy Tater “Thot”
Sexy One Nightstand
Sexy Deer in the Headlights (for couples)
Sexy “Ghost”
Sexy Starbucks Coffee

Stay tuned for even more tomorrow!

(Daily disclaimer: My intent is not to shame anyone’s choice of Halloween costumes. Wear whatever you want, and look great doing it. My intent is to shame society for trying to convince us that Bob Ross is sexy (WTF even?), and more importantly, for failing to provide any normal, pop-culture-referencing Bob Ross costumes for women.)

Your costume suggestions, part 4: “lol I see what you did there” edition

Part four of our THIRTY-THREE (so far!) nominations for this year’s exciting Best Sexy [Thing That Is Inherently Not Sexy] Halloween Costume Contest! I will present a few each day, leading up to the BIG ANNOUNCEMENT OF THE WINNER on Halloween Night! Who will join previous winners? You decide!

Today’s post is the first of a few costume posts organized into themes. Today’s theme: the costumes that make you say “lol #iseewhatyoudidthere”!

“Saucy” Taco Bell Sauce

A woman in a tight green dress labeled "verde salsa" — Suggested by Andy Brown

Free advertising for Taco Bell! The costume comes in several different “flavors,” but verde salsa was the most surprising. Although I seriously considered going with Diablo.

Popeye’s “Spicy” Chicken Sandwich

A woman in a skintight brown dress with a painted chicken sandwich on it — Suggested by Kelly Simms and Sarah Boye

More free advertising for fast-food chains, but more topical, considering the popularity of Popeye’s spicy chicken sandwich – so popular that it led to actual fistfights. If you’re lucky, maybe people will fight over you?

Caution: spicy chicken can make you thirsty.

Sexy “Tater Thot”

A woman in a skintight dress with painted tater tots, labeled "tater thot" — Suggested by Robyn Stegman

Continuing with the food theme, but this time with the pun meter Up To Eleven.

So here’s what I’ve always wondered. “Thot” Is actually an acronym, for That Ho Over There. So why not save two letters and just call her a ho?

Sexy One Nighstand

A woman with a cardboard cutout of a chest of drawers with a lampshade on her head — Suggested by Thad Comer

It’s a nightstand! But there’s just one! It’s one nightstand! A one nightstand. It’s a ONE NIGHT STAND! lol #iseewhatyoudidthere

Sexy Deer in the Headlights (for couples!)

A couple costume - he in a plaid shirt with a deer head, she in a costume with a yellow line and headlights on her breasts — Suggested by Anna Kresmer

A joint costume, designed for a heterosexual couple – but of course available to anyone who fits. Note the placement of the headlights.

Sexy “Ghost”

A woman in a short white dress with unanswered text messages on it — Suggested by Robyn Stegman

What’s scarier than a ghost? GHOSTING! You know he read your text, so WHY HASN’T HE RESPONDED?

Sexy Starbucks Coffee

Suggested by Tammy Albee

Not a direct pun, but a great opportunity for one. At the end of the night, you can write someone’s name on the belt, and then they can complete the pickup. This costume gives new meaning to the question, “for here or to go?”

So there you have it – seven more nominees for costumes for a Sexy [Thing That Is Inherently Not Sexy] Halloween!

Stay tuned for even more tomorrow!

(Daily disclaimer: My intent is not to shame anyone’s choice of Halloween costumes. Wear whatever you want, and look great doing it. My intent is to shame society for trying to convince us that tater tots are sexy (they’re not), and more importantly, for failing to provide any normal, pop-culture-referencing costumes for women.)

Your costume suggestions, part 3 of a metric buttload

We’re now up to THIRTY-THREE nominations for this year’s exciting Best Sexy [Thing That Is Inherently Not Sexy] Halloween Costume Contest! I will present a few each day, leading up to the BIG ANNOUNCEMENT OF THE WINNER on Halloween Night! Who will join previous winners? You decide!

Sexy Microsoft Clippy

A woman wearing a body-covering paper yellow note, with a rubber paper clip around it, and a message saying "It looks like..." — Suggested by Kate Sackton, David Dudich, and Robyn Stegman

A frequent nominee to this contest, “Clippy” was Microsoft’s early attempt at artificial intelligence. Officially named “Office Assistant,” Clippy was included in Microsoft Office each year from 1997 to 2004. Clippy was a shapeshifting anthropomorphic cartoon paper clip who showed you how to do tasks that you could have easily figured out how to do on your own.

Clippy was officially genderless, but if the term “mansplaining” has been around back in 1997, this would have been the perfect example. He may have been an AI application fifteen years too early, but there’s one thing he never was – SEXY!

Sexy Vintage Airplane

Vintage black-and-white photo: an Asian woman with short shorts, wings on her arms, and a propeller on her head — Suggested by Aimee Shoff

Proving that Inherently Not Sexy Sexy never goes out of style, this undated file photo was supplied by Hint Magazine. I love the vintage sparkle-ness of this one. The propeller on the head was high technology back then, but we see it now more than a year after the last major U.S. airline retired its last propeller-driven plane. Welcome to the Sexy Jet Age!

Sexy Skunk

A woman in a black-and-white dress with fishnets, high boots, and a skunk hat — Suggested by Andy Brown

If only Pepe LePew had known about this costume, maybe he wouldn’t have wasted his life sexually assaulting cats.

Sexy Chucky

A woman in a tight black dress with long socks and a red wig — Suggested by Robyn Stegman

From the classic 1988 horror movie Child’s Play, murderous sentient doll Chucky comes to hunt you down with SEXY!

Sexy Generic Ouija Board

A woman in a long black dress with letters formatted like a ouija board, labeled "play with me" — Suggested by Andy Brown

This non-copyright-infringing costume is officially listed as “Spooky Board.” And in another subtext-becomes-text moment, it even says “play with me.” It’s just a board, but this costume mysteriously becomes S-E-X-Y!

Sexy Loofah

A woman covered neck-to-thigh in a floofy light blue scrubber thing — Suggested by Robyn Stegman

I don’t know what to say about a costume this random and weird. Uh… did you know that the original loofah is a fruit?

Sexy PiÃ±ata

A woman with a short dress of multilayered paper strips — Suggested by Anna Kresmer

Gentlemen, be sure to get her affirmative consent before strapping on a blindfold and hitting her with sticks. What kind of candy will you get?

So there you have it – seven more nominees for costumes for a Sexy [Thing That Is Inherently Not Sexy] Halloween!

And a review of the previous eight entries, so you can compare and eventually vote for this year’s winner:
Sexy Dinosaur
Sexy Condom (for dudes)
Sexy Ph.D.
Sexy Mr. Rogers
Sexy College Admissions Bribery Scandal Mom
Sexy Shark (doot doot, doo de doo)
Stupid Sexy Flanders
Sexy Ball Pit (for dudes)

Stay tuned for even more tomorrow!

(Daily disclaimer: My intent is not to shame anyone’s choice of Halloween costumes. Wear whatever you want, and look great doing it. My intent is to shame society for trying to convince us that Sexy Loofah even makes any sense (hint: it doesn’t), and more importantly, for failing to provide any normal, non-sexy airplane costumes for women.)

Your costume suggestions, part 2 of many

I asked for suggestions, and you delivered: TWENTY-EIGHT nominations for this year’s Best Sexy [Thing That Is Inherently Not Sexy] Halloween Costume Contest! I will present a few each day, leading up to the BIG ANNOUNCEMENT OF THE WINNER on Halloween Night!

Sexy College Admissions Scandal Mom

A woman in an orange jumpsuit with "Mom of the year" crossed out and "INMATE" written — Suggested by Jason Ice

Another “Ripped From The Headlines” Halloween costume, making fun of the parents arrested in the recent college admissions bribery scandal. With this costume and a generous donation, you too can be admitted to the college of your choice. Major in SEXY!

Sexy Shark

A woman in a tight-fitting silver dress with a shark mouth on her head — Suggested by Tammy Albee

Sexy shark, doo doo, doo de doo…

Stupid Sexy Flanders

A woman in a tight ski uniform with a plastic head of Ned Flanders from the Simpsons — Suggested by David Dudich

Have you ever met someone who wouldn’t shut up about The Simpsons? Here is the scene they would be referencing here. Now you can be them, except SEXY!

Sexy Ball Pit (for dudes)

A man with no shirt and a plastic ball pit on his waist, full of plastic balls — Suggested by Sharon Kalter and Robyn Stegman

In our age of equality, dudes can get it on the sexy costume action also. This one is a sexy ball pit, made slightly disappointing by the fact that there really aren’t that many balls. Would you want to bounce around there?

So there you have it – four more costumes that certainly count as Sexy [Thing That Is Inherently Not Sexy]!

And a review of yesterday’s entries:
Sexy Dinosaur
Sexy Condom (for dudes)
Sexy Ph.D.
Sexy Mr. Rogers

Stay tuned for more tomorrow!

(Daily disclaimer: My intent is not to shame anyone’s choice of Halloween costumes. Wear whatever you want, and look great doing it. My intent is to shame society for trying to convince us that ball pits are sexy, and for failing to provide any normal, non-sexy shark costumes for women.)

Your costume suggestions, part 1 of many

I asked for suggestions, and you delivered. Dear God, did you deliver: twenty-eight nominations for this year’s Best Sexy [Thing That Is Inherently Not Sexy] Halloween Costume Contest!

With only one week to go until Halloween, I’ll be presenting them all to you here – a few each day until next Wednesday. Then, on Halloween Night (scary!), I will officially announce this year’s winner.

Ready? Set? Here we go.

Sexy Generic Dinosaur

A woman with a tight-fitting dinosaur suit, including a hoodie with teeth — Suggested by Kathryn Vila Acevedo

What kind of dinosaur is this? The row of teeth says T-Rex, but the arms are too long, the eyes look more like a Velociraptor, and the tail is… just a tail. Conclusion: it’s a SEXYSAURUS!

Sexy Condom (for dudes)

A man wearing a giant condom. Not much more to say. — Suggested by Andy Brown

What happens when subtext becomes text? THIS. And also, you can wear one under your costume for COSTUMECEPTION!

Sexy Ph.D.

A woman in a short blue dress with a graduation cap — Suggested by David Dudich

Smart is the new sexy! At least for me, it was also the old sexy, and the eternal sexy. What makes it slightly less sexy is its inaccuracy – the costume is clearly labeled “Sexy Ph.D.,” but the cap is the cap you get for a Bachelor’s or Master’s degree. Ph.D.s get a six-sided… thingy.

Sexy… Mr. Rogers?

A woman with short shorts, a black tie over her cleavage, and a red sweater — Suggested by Elliot Kresmer, Jennifer Atchley Vose, and Christina Rawls

This was the first suggestion I got for this year’s contest, way back in late August. And it was independently suggested by three different people. Note the trademark red sweater. Presumably you can take off the sweater when you get to the Land of Make-Believe.

And if that isn’t weird enough, it also comes with hand puppet representations of two of Mr. Rogers’s most beloved characters, King Friday XIII and Daniel Tiger.

Same sexy Mr. Rogers, but now with black stiletto heels and HAND PUPPETS of King Friday and Daniel the Lion — Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?

This resulted in the following exchange online:

Friend: Who thinks Mr. Rogers is sexy?
Me: Mrs. Rogers

Honestly, I can’t imagine any other Halloween costume being as bizarrely unsexy than Sexy Mr. Rogers – but I’ve been surprised before. Never underestimate global capitalism.

So that is four bizarrely Sexy [Thing That Is Inherently Not Sexy] Halloween Costumes! Stay tuned tomorrow for more!

(Daily disclaimer: My intent is not to shame anyone’s choice of Halloween costumes. Wear whatever you want, and look great doing it. My intent is to shame society for trying to convince us that Sexy Dinosaur makes any sense, and for failing to provide any normal, non-sexy Dinosaur costumes for women.)