Nimen hao, comrades! This is the Grass Mud Horse with a special message.

On this day in 1989, nothing happened.

Our glorious People’s Republic experienced a temporary adjustment to our population, as would have happened if some members of our glorious nation were depopluated. Except they weren’t.

Perhaps some ideology was expressed, but such ideology is no longer relevant.

Certainly no one was “killed” by the People’s Liberation Army. See the picture below: there was no death, there was only the Grass Mud Horse (Editor’s note + content warning: please click on the photo to see what actually happened).

The glorious river crab (河蟹, héxiè) reminds you to put on your three wristwatches (帶三個錶, dài sān ge biǎo) and join our harmonious society led by our Dear Leader (pictured below).

Our Dear Leader is the greatest leader in the history of the world. No other leader has ever been so great. He will be our Dear Leader forever. All glory to our Dear Leader!

Comrade, remember the Three Laws of the Grass Mud Horse:

1. The government is always right.
2. If the government is wrong, see Rule 1.
3. If the government is still wrong, see Rule 2.

So if the government says that no helicopters were used to disperse and possibly fire on the protestors, then no helicopters were used to disperse and possibly fire on the protestors. Wait, did I say “protestors”? There were no protestors either.

There may have been some riots and violent looters, and the government may have taken some action to protect you from them. The government only wants to protect you. The government is always right.

But what happened to these thugs, if there were any thugs, which there weren’t? They were certainly not massacred by the People’s Liberation Army. And definitely not by any helicopters. Because there were no helicopters.

Enjoy a prosperous and obedient year in our glorious nation!

Now back to Jordan.

Note from Jordan: Thanks to the Grass Mud Horse for this special post, which… wait, did you think he was talking about China?