Your costume suggestions, part 2 of many

I asked for suggestions, and you delivered: TWENTY-EIGHT nominations for this year’s Best Sexy [Thing That Is Inherently Not Sexy] Halloween Costume Contest! I will present a few each day, leading up to the BIG ANNOUNCEMENT OF THE WINNER on Halloween Night!

Sexy College Admissions Scandal Mom

A woman in an orange jumpsuit with "Mom of the year" crossed out and "INMATE" written
Suggested by Jason Ice

Another “Ripped From The Headlines” Halloween costume, making fun of the parents arrested in the recent college admissions bribery scandal. With this costume and a generous donation, you too can be admitted to the college of your choice. Major in SEXY!

Sexy Shark

A woman in a tight-fitting silver dress with a shark mouth on her head
Suggested by Tammy Albee

Sexy shark, doo doo, doo de doo…

Stupid Sexy Flanders

A woman in a tight ski uniform with a plastic head of Ned Flanders from the Simpsons
Suggested by David Dudich

Have you ever met someone who wouldn’t shut up about The Simpsons? Here is the scene they would be referencing here. Now you can be them, except SEXY!

Sexy Ball Pit (for dudes)

A man with no shirt and a plastic ball pit on his waist, full of plastic balls
Suggested by Sharon Kalter and Robyn Stegman

In our age of equality, dudes can get it on the sexy costume action also. This one is a sexy ball pit, made slightly disappointing by the fact that there really aren’t that many balls. Would you want to bounce around there?

So there you have it – four more costumes that certainly count as Sexy [Thing That Is Inherently Not Sexy]!

And a review of yesterday’s entries:
Sexy Dinosaur
Sexy Condom (for dudes)
Sexy Ph.D.
Sexy Mr. Rogers

Stay tuned for more tomorrow!

(Daily disclaimer: My intent is not to shame anyone’s choice of Halloween costumes. Wear whatever you want, and look great doing it. My intent is to shame society for trying to convince us that ball pits are sexy, and for failing to provide any normal, non-sexy shark costumes for women.)

Your costume suggestions, part 1 of many

I asked for suggestions, and you delivered. Dear God, did you deliver: twenty-eight nominations for this year’s Best Sexy [Thing That Is Inherently Not Sexy] Halloween Costume Contest!

With only one week to go until Halloween, I’ll be presenting them all to you here – a few each day until next Wednesday. Then, on Halloween Night (scary!), I will officially announce this year’s winner.

Ready? Set? Here we go.

Sexy Generic Dinosaur

A woman with a tight-fitting dinosaur suit, including a hoodie with teeth
Suggested by Kathryn Vila Acevedo

What kind of dinosaur is this? The row of teeth says T-Rex, but the arms are too long, the eyes look more like a Velociraptor, and the tail is… just a tail. Conclusion: it’s a SEXYSAURUS!

Sexy Condom (for dudes)

A man wearing a giant condom. Not much more to say.
Suggested by Andy Brown

What happens when subtext becomes text? THIS. And also, you can wear one under your costume for COSTUMECEPTION!

Sexy Ph.D.

A woman in a short blue dress with a graduation cap
Suggested by David Dudich

Smart is the new sexy! At least for me, it was also the old sexy, and the eternal sexy. What makes it slightly less sexy is its inaccuracy – the costume is clearly labeled “Sexy Ph.D.,” but the cap is the cap you get for a Bachelor’s or Master’s degree. Ph.D.s get a six-sided… thingy.

Sexy… Mr. Rogers?

A woman with short shorts, a black tie over her cleavage, and a red sweater
Suggested by Elliot Kresmer, Jennifer Atchley Vose, and Christina Rawls

This was the first suggestion I got for this year’s contest, way back in late August. And it was independently suggested by three different people. Note the trademark red sweater. Presumably you can take off the sweater when you get to the Land of Make-Believe.

And if that isn’t weird enough, it also comes with hand puppet representations of two of Mr. Rogers’s most beloved characters, King Friday XIII and Daniel Tiger.

Same sexy Mr. Rogers, but now with black stiletto heels and HAND PUPPETS of King Friday and Daniel the Lion
Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?

This resulted in the following exchange online:

Friend: Who thinks Mr. Rogers is sexy?
Me: Mrs. Rogers

Honestly, I can’t imagine any other Halloween costume being as bizarrely unsexy than Sexy Mr. Rogers – but I’ve been surprised before. Never underestimate global capitalism.

So that is four bizarrely Sexy [Thing That Is Inherently Not Sexy] Halloween Costumes! Stay tuned tomorrow for more!

(Daily disclaimer: My intent is not to shame anyone’s choice of Halloween costumes. Wear whatever you want, and look great doing it. My intent is to shame society for trying to convince us that Sexy Dinosaur makes any sense, and for failing to provide any normal, non-sexy Dinosaur costumes for women.)

Five Years of Inherently Not Sexy Sexy

In yesterday’s post, I introduced you to the joy of the annual Best Sexy [Thing That Is Inherently Not Sexy] Halloween Costume Contest. This is the first year that I have offered the contest on my blog, but it’s actually the fifth year overall. Here are the Sexy Winners from the previous contests:

2015: Sexy Killer Whale

Black-and-white costume with a tail hanging from the back and a hoodie that looks like a killer whale head
(suggested by Jeremy Berg)

What could be sexier than a six-ton aquatic killing machine?

2016: Sexy Scrabble

A short white dress decorated like a Scrabble board (with colored ties), and thigh fringe with letters
(suggested by Kelly Simms)

This barely even counts as a specific costume concept – it’s not an animal, vegetable, or mineral – it’s more of an abstract concept. On the bright side, it confirms the old adage that Smart is the New Sexy, the Old Sexy, and the Eternal Sexy.

2017: Sexy Green Poo (?!?!?!)

Green poo-shaped costume from too many Sexy Black Whoppers
(suggested by Aimee Shoff)

This is one of those pop culture moment “I guess you had to be there” costumes. One of the hottest-selling Halloween-themed items of 2017 was Burger King’s Black Whopper. In spite of the name, it turned your black whoppers a disgusting shade of green. There are very few things less sexy than feces (unless you’re into that, not judging).

2018: Sexy Marcel Duchamp Art Gallery Urinal

A very short dress decorated to look like a urinal - ceci n'est pas une Halloween costume
(suggested by Christina Rawls)

At first, I thought this was just a Sexy Urinal, which is certainly an object that is Inherently Not Sexy. But it’s so much more – it’s actually a tribute to the work of art Fountain by Belgian surrealist Marcel Duchamp, which is housed in the prestigious Tate Modern Museum in London. To paraphrase another of Duchamp’s famous works, ceci n’est pas une Halloween Costume.

These are the exciting winners from last year. I’ve already gotten several suggestions for this year’s contest, and oh boy, are some of them great.

Coming Monday: a review of some entries in this year’s Best Sexy [Thing That Is Inherently Not Sexy] Halloween Costume Contest!

Sexy is not always Sexy

Halloween is almost here! It’s the time for trick-or-treating, trying to convince your friends to take your Necco Wafers in exchange for Actual Good Candy, and most importantly, pretending you’re someone you’re not with a COSTUME! Yeah, about that…

I’d like you to join me in a thought experiment. Pretend for a moment that you are a woman (this will be quite easy for about 50% of you). Furthermore, pretend you like elephants – again, likely not a stretch, because elephants are beautiful, intelligent, and loyal creatures. It’s All Hallows’ Eve, and all you want to do is go out with your friends and have a great time pretending to drink beer out of your trunk. That should be straightforward enough, right?

Behold, the ONLY women’s elephant costume I could find on the Internet:

A short pink-and-gray dress with furry boots and an elephant hat, complete with trunk

It’s everyone’s favorite time of year: the announcement of the Fifth Annual Best Sexy [Thing That Is Inherently Not Sexy] Halloween Costume Contest!

It’s not just an elephant, it’s a SEXY ELEPHANT! And there’s the trunk of the matter.

Four long years ago, on A Social Network, I started a tradition that has bizarrely turned into a much-loved, much-anticipated annual event. Ladies, gentlemen, and sexy elephants, it’s time once again for the annual

BEST SEXY [THING THAT IS INHERENTLY NOT SEXY] HALLOWEEN COSTUME CONTEST!

Here’s how it works. I ask you, the reader, to nominate women’s Halloween costumes you would describe as “Sexy [blank],” where the thing in the blank cannot remotely be considered sexy. To join in the fun, comment below with a link to a Sexy [Thing That Is Inherently Not Sexy] Halloween costume. Or suggest one on social media, or in person.

As a guideline for what to look for, note that Sexy Elephant is one of the more normal entries from the past few years. They get rapidly weirder, and less Inherently Sexy.

I’ve always felt a bit conflicted about sponsoring this annual contest, because I don’t want to come across a Moral Guardian shaming anyone’s choice of what Halloween costume. Wear whatever the hell you like and have fun.

My purpose is instead to make fun of our society’s obsession that Women Must Look Sexy, even in the face of all logic and good taste.

I’m thrilled to put the contest up on my blog, allowing a larger audience to be exposed to the inappropriate sexy weirdness. So suggest away!

Coming tomorrow: a review of the winning entries from the past four years.

Coming Monday: a review of the suggestions I’ve gotten so far this year

Coming October 31: announcement of this year’s Best Sexy [Thing That Is Inherently Not Sexy] Halloween Costume Contest winner!